I'm Afraid I'll Forget

Alright everyone, hang in there with me....crisis blogging is not in anyone's best interest...of that I am completely convinced. That having been said, I'm blogging in a crisis....at least I warned you first!

So, my current conundrum is dealing with the CONSTANT and un-yielding emotions of having three miscarriages in a row. This has become what feels like a never ending ordeal. Sometimes it truly feels like my heart will not ever mend. I am not sure that I will ever feel like me again...perhaps it is unreasonable to expect that I would. No matter what the outcome I suppose I will never be the same person. This exeperience has changed me.

One of my greatest fears is forgettnig. I know it sounds a bit absurd but I am afraid to forget them. Likewise I want to forget them. I want to think about something, ANYTHIGN else. I wish I could wake up and realize that none of it really happened. True as that is it does not diminish my NEED to hang on to what little I have of these little tummy tots who I never got to hold.

So this is my little memorial of sorts. I appologize for being so horridly depressing. I just want it out there. I want my little ones to be a part of this family somehow other than in my head. We loved them, wanted them, STILL want them! I just want to remember. I want to remember. I want to remember.

I want to remember "Tummy Buff"- conceived in July 2007- due April 18th, delivered a little boy at 20 weeks on December 10th 2007

I want to remember "Cakester"- conceived in May 2008- due February 28th, d&c at 7 weeks on July 9th 2008

I want to remember "3PO"- conceived in August 2008- due May 26th, miscarried at 4 weeks and 2 days on September 18th

Information

I wanted to post a few links to some good articles about Chemical Pregnancy. I did not explain it very well and thought some might be curious.

http://miscarriage.about.com/od/onetimemiscarriages/p/chemicalpreg.htm

http://www.babyhopes.com/articles/chemical-pregnancy.html

Third Time Not the Charm

Some of you knew, some did not but we found out last weekend that we were pregnant again. Yesterday I started bleeding. My beta test was neg. Talked a good deal with my dr today, this was actually a "chemical pregnancy", which is a term used for a miscarriage before the 5th week of pregnancy. Basically the fertilized egg never progresses and ends up not implanting correctly into the uterine lining. It's terribly common and most women never even know they are pregnant, as it really feels like a period that was a few days late. While she AGAIN does not think this is necessarily related to the other two miscarriages, she will be running tests in a few weeks to determine if there are any immunological, hormonal or chromosomal problems. She will also be checking me for a luteal phase defect as she believes that it is possible that I am not producing the right amount of progesterone. She said that if and when we decide to get pregnant again, she will be putting me on progesterone from the start as a precaution.
We so appreciate all the love and support we have received during what has been a very difficult year for our little family. We will keep everyone updated on the goings on. For now we are just taking one day at a time. I will be sure to update when the results come back from the tests, which will be probably 6-8 weeks from now.
Again, we appreciate the many prayers and politely and very respectably BEG for you to keep them coming our way. :)
Love,
The Ramsey Clan

Need Some Good Tips Part 2

So, aside from needing help with relaxing....I also need some help from you creative geniuses out there!! My kids informed me that they want to be the Mario Brothers for Halloween. After gently pleading with them to wear last years costumes (my kids don't grow)they presented me with the following compromise......they will be going as the Mario Brothers.
Here is their list:
Gavin- Luigi
Caeden- Mario
Suzy- Princess Peach
Mike- King Koopa (Bowser)
Jen- Mushroom....yes, I get to be a fungus

So, the Mario and Luigi are not too hard, I think I have that pretty under control as well as the princess. I am totally at a loss with Koopa and Mushroom. I would LOVE some help from you wonderful creative ones out there. Impart to me your wisdom!! I beg of you!!!!!!

Need Some Good Tips

Anyone have any good suggestions for relaxing? I can be as high strung as a chihuahua and I really want to start living a life with less anxiety and fear. I worry too much. Any of you have some tips for how to CHILL OUT?!?!

My Handbag...Thank You Kelli!!

What Your Handbag Says About You

You tend to be relaxed throughout the day. You are naturally at peace. You are a high maintenance person. You feel lost outside of your normal environment. You are open and comfortable with who you are. You don't hide anything. You are practical and down to earth. You tend to be a rather reserved and quiet person.

What Does Your Handbag Say About You?

"There Goes My Life"

Kenny....you've said it all. Most of you are probably familiar with this song...it's one of my favorites. I took the liberty of changing up a few of the lyrics...Kelli Perkin's "Shoe Shopping Blues" style. Obviously, I made a plan to have children young, with the exception of 1, all of our pregnancies have been planned. Still, things had to be sacrificed in order to that. There have been times when it's been challenging to be a 25 year old living a 40 year old life. But still, I never could have anticipated how quickly this would all go by and how much I would miss every second of the last 5 years. Need less to say, the start of Kindergarten has been a HUGE adjustment for me. Gavin loves it and I'm happy for that but seriously, this growing up thing has GOT to stop. Kenny says it better...so I'll let him do the talking (with a little help from me of course..to keep the story real).


All she could think about was I'm too young for this.
Got my whole life ahead.
Wow I'm just a kid myself.
How'm I gonna raise one.

All she could see were her dreams goin' up in smoke.
So much for graduating and showing horses on the coast.
Oh well, those plans are long gone.

[Chorus:]
And she said,
There goes my life.
There goes my future, my everything.
Might as well kiss it all good-bye.
There goes my life.......

A couple years of up all night and a few thousand diapers later.
That sacrifice she thought she made covers up the refrigerator.
Oh yeah..........she loves that little boy.

Daddy's waiting to tuck him in,
As he fumbles up those stairs.
He smiles back at her dragging that "Boog" bear.
Sleep tight, blue eyes and dimples too.

[Chorus:]
She smiles.....
There goes my life.
There goes my future, my everything.
I love you, mommy good-night.
There goes my life.

He had that backpack loaded down.
With folder, snack and 15 pencils and his lunch box too.
She tied his shoes and kissed his cheek, said you're good to go.
He hugged them both and headed off to the School Bus.

[Chorus:]
And she cried,
There goes my life.
There goes my future, my everything.
I love you.
Baby good-bye.

There goes my life.
There goes my life.
Baby good-bye.