Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Mother's Words

I was riding down the road with Mike and the kids and he mentioned to me that he had seen the culprit behind my damaged flower beds....a chipmunk who has been living in one of my azaleas. He was caught red handed.
As soon as Mike told me this I turned to him and said, "did you scold him thoroughly and tell him to stay out of my flowers?!"
He laughed but I was immediately struck at what I had said. It's almost like it came out of my mother's mouth. That is something she would have said and she would have said it just that way too.
I try very hard not to think about what things would be like if she were here right now but I couldn't help but feel a little sad (and maybe just a tiny bit sorry for myself as well) that I couldn't call her up and tell her my chipmunk story. I'll bet she would have said exactly what I did. I am glad that I have some of her in me. I wish I had more.
I think the hardest thing about losing my mom is all the things I never asked her, all the things I didn't take the chance to learn! My mother could do it all. She was so talented in so many areas. There are so, so, SO many things she could have taught me: how to sew, read music, crochet, garden...just to name a few, make Christmas ornaments and peanut brittle.
The main things I didn't learn were how to be a strong, self-less woman and mother. Eleven years battling cancer and I really don't think I ever heard her complain about it.....ever! She got up every day, washed dishes, fed animals, got me off to school, got to work late so that she could drop me off instead of me having to ride the bus, worked all day, waited in the parking lot for me to finish cross country, cheer leading, theatre and then took me home, took care of the house, attended all my games and performances. I'll never forget in my senior year, it was my final performance for a play I was soloing in. She had been in the hospital with a failing liver, knowing, I'm sure, that her time was coming close. She forced them to release her from the hospital so that she could come to see my play. Immediately after the play she had to return to the hospital, hardly able to walk.
I wish I had have absorbed more of that strength. I don't think I'll ever be half the woman she was.
In my weakness, I start to think about the things I hate about her being gone. Mostly, I hate that my children and my husband won't know her in this life. I hate that I can't just have lunch with my mother, go visit for the weekend, call her up when I'm having a bad day, all the things that I miss so, so much!
I am so thankful that I had her as a mother. She was the greatest woman I've ever known. I would like to hope that I've inherited more from her than just silly things to say about chipmunks (or any garden pests). If I could have just one of her many positive traits, I would consider that to be an accomplishment.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

My Almost 5 Year Old

So, I'm having Gavin's 5th birthday party today. Technically he won't be five until Monday but still, I am hit with the fact that my BABY is turning 5. It's such a milestone.

I went out to dinner and Kohl's last night with Kelli and we were talking about how hard it is to let our babies go and grow up. We also talked about how quickly time goes by. On our way home we listened to one of my favorite songs called "I Wish I Could" by Collin Raye. We were both a bit on the emotional side and both agreed that this song was definitely blog worthy!

When I woke up this morning I couldn't help but feel just a little heavy hearted. I know you can't keep your kids little forever, and I really shouldn't want to. I want them to grow up and have families so they can experience the same happiness that I feel. Still, I wish I could have just one more do-over sometimes. Like I could start over with Gavin and have him as a newborn baby and a one year old, watch his first steps, re-live the excitement of his first words....just one more time.

"I know I can't.....but I wish I could."

Thought I would share the lyrics to the song, for any of you parents, it's well worth the download. :)

"I Wish I could"- Collin Raye

Looking out my window See you playing in the leaves
It's amazing how a little girl Means all the world to me
When I tell you that I love you I love you more than words can say
Smile, say cheese pretty-please I wanna take your picture
How'd you ever get so big I gotta take your picture
Hold on to the memory before the whole thing slips away

I wish I could save these moments And put 'em in a jar
I wish I could stop the world from turning Keep things just the way they are
I wish I could shelter you from everything Not pure and sweet and good
I know I can't, I know I can't But I wish I could

When you kiss me for no reason It goes straight to my heart
When I feel your arms around me I almost fall apart
It's time for bed you whisper Daddy, we forgot to pray

I wish I could save these moments And put 'em in a jar
I wish I could stop the world from turning Keep things just the way they are
I wish I could shelter you from everything Not pure and sweet and good
I know I can't, I know I can't But I wish I could

And when I watch you sleeping All my worries fade away
A little bit of heaven glows on your angelic face

I wish I could save these moments And put 'em in a jar
I wish I could stop the world from turning Keep things just the way they are
I wish I could shelter you from everything Not pure and sweet and good
I know I can't, I know I can't I know I can't But I wish I could

Thursday, June 19, 2008

I was Tagged

Darn you Kelli, I had to figure out cutting and pasting...you are determined to make me a good blogger aren't you.
A- Attached or single: Attached - are you kidding? have you seen my husband? yummmm!!
B- Best Friend: i have so many friends who i love to pieces. mike is my very best though.
C-Cake or Pie: i am no respecter of desserts, however, given a choice...i would say cake
D-Day: well, i looooove holidays and my kid's birthdays i am reeeeeally looking forward to Aug. 2nd and the release of "breaking dawn"
E- Essential Item: clorox
F-Favorite Color: pink and pink with sparkles
G-Gummi Bears or Worms: nada, they hurt my teeth but once upon a time before children i would have said bears, hands down
H-Home town: callaway, va
Indulgences: all things pertaining to "twilight"
J- January or July?: July! although my anniversary is in january so that's good too but i don't like cold
K-Kids: gavin- crazy monkey head who is almost 5! caeden- sweet handsome nut brain who is 3, suzy-adorable beyond imagination but absolutely impossible who will be 2 at the end of the month.......aaaaaaaaaaand....little ramsey bean due in feb.
L-Life is incomplete without: twilight.....just kidding kelli....my family, the gospel, my friends- one a more superficial level- chocolate, suzy's pink sparkly shoes, books, ice cream, music
M- Marriage Date: january 31st- 2002- don't worry kelli, mike robbed it too
N-Number of Siblings: nada but i have three sister in laws and three brother in laws
O- Oranges or Apples: yummy....both but i guess apples!
P- Phobias or Fears: hahahaha..okay, you asked, um, germs, plagues, vomit, blood, needles, elevators, escalators, stairs, heights in general, quick sand, jelly fish, spiders, snakes and insects, the dark.....i'll stop now
Q-Quote: it's long...."On a very superficial level, let us assume that man lives in two worlds: one of God and nature, and the other of his own making. To live entirely in the first and to be satisfied therein is perfectly adequate. Indeed, it is a kind of paradise and without resort to it in some fashion man is nothing more than a machine of his own design. But whereas to live entirely in the world of man is intolerable, to live entirely without it is in some senses equally so. The world of man may be imperfection built upon imperfection, but that is what makes it so beguiling- all the accidents and missteps."-Swan Lake
R-Reason To Smile: my kids
S- Season: Summer
T- Tag Four: ummm, Katie, Kim, Dollie, Rebecca
U- Unknown fact about me: everyone pretty much knows everything about me because i never stop talking but ummmmm, i actually used to be one rocking horse back rider
V- Very Favorite Store: target
W- Worst Habit: talking too much
X-Rays or Ultrasounds: ultrasounds....well, GOOD ultrasounds i should say
Y-Your favorite food: Chocolate...does that count? yes kelli, i think it does!! :) also currently lime tortilla chips and salsa
Z: Zodiac Sign: gemini
TAG! You're it!

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Every once in a while, I think it's vital to a mother's mental health to vent a bit....or a lot, as the case may be.
I am sitting here, it's 7pm. I've been on the go since 6am. I am doing bedtime alone for the third night in a row.
I have a sink full of spontaneously appearing dishes that poofed themselves into existence while my dishwasher, filled to the brim, is purring happily in the background.
I am drying a load of laundry containing the sheets that must go onto Suzy's crib because she soaked them through when her diaper leaked during nap time.
I have filled the sippy cups, brushed the teeth, read scriptures, said prayers, picked up the toys, distributed kisses and hugs and threatened capital punishment if anyone so much as sets one toe out of bed.
I have Lysol wiped counters and toilets and emptied trash cans.
I am alone, which I hate. Mike won't be home until tomorrow. I am exhausted beyond belief and all I want is to crawl into bed while my husband stands guard to keep me safe all night.
Instead I will probably be up waging the battle of the bedtime until at least 9:30 at which point I will claim a half-hearted victory over my opponents who will have finally pooped themselves out enough to sleep. After this point I'll have some alone time to work on the birthday favors for Gavin's party on Saturday and then enjoy a fretful night where I wake up to every small sound in fear that it is actually a burglar, the boogey man, etc.
I am tired and I am lonely and just plain needing some rest.
Venting completed. I feel better.