Wednesday, December 21, 2016

An Open Letter to Myself, In Case I Fail Nursing School

Dear Jenny,

So, you failed. That sucks. I mean, truly. Sucks. There are very few things as devastating as putting your heart, blood, sweat and tears (not to mention someone else’s cuz, ya know, nurse…too soon?) into something only to end without the results you had hoped and prayed for.

But you’re no stranger to that. This isn’t the first time that you’ve failed. This is not your first rodeo, girl. Your heart has been broken. Your best efforts have fallen short. You have set goals and failed to reach them. But before you berate yourself for authoring this abysmal version of a pep-talk, let me remind you of something…you’re still here.

You’re here because failure is inevitable. Heartache and disappointment and fear and sorrow, they are all a part of this great and terrible, beautiful mess that is your life. The dark threads are as needed and this, this is just another dark thread in the incredible tapestry of this time you’ve been granted on Earth. You, my friend, are a lucky, lucky bird.

See failure doesn’t define you as a person, neither does success. Who you are, your value as a human being, is a gift. You didn’t earn it, you were given it. You are a child of God and that is your inherent value. You can choose to use your time on Earth to strive for goodness, for success, for joy but your worth is predetermined. You are not earning it and you are not losing it. He loves you. And that love is not contingent upon whether you succeed or fail.

I know you’ve wanted this for a long time…a super long time. But there has been great joy, joy beyond description, in your life. It was there before nursing school. It will be there after. You’ve lost people you love. There were times you felt like you’d never be able to feel happiness again. But you did. And you will. Oh, you will.

I don’t know what you’ll decide to do. I don’t know if you’ll keep going and graduate and become a nurse. I hope you do. But, if that’s not what happens, if you don’t become a nurse, please remember that it’s okay. There is happiness to be had. There is love to give and to receive. There is work for you to do.

I know you’re worried about your kids. You want so badly to show them that you can accomplish your dreams and that it’s okay to follow your own heart, even if takes you in a different direction than the masses. Please, don’t worry about the kids. You’re showing them something just as important. You’re showing them that it’s okay to fall down and it’s okay to mess up. You’re teaching them that joy is a choice and that their worth is unchangeable.

After all, if there’s anything you’ve learned in your life it’s that the best boots have some mud on them.

Chin up, girl. You’re going to be just fine.