Thursday, August 30, 2012

A New Idea of Perfection

We had an ultrasound this morning. We are having a boy. Another boy. Five BOYS. Yep.

So here's the truth. A few weeks ago we had an ultrasound. I was about 13 weeks. We totally saw boy stuff. The ultrasound tech told us not to go painting anything blue BUT...

At first, I was shocked...and a little sad. It wasn't that I didn't want a boy. It's just that I REALLY wanted a girl. I have bins upon bins of adorable girly clothes. I have bows and tights and skirts and pink things. I wanted to use them. I wanted Suzy to have a sister. I thought that having another girl would create balance. Every family needs balance right? Everyone insisted this baby was a girl. Even my friend who is NEVER wrong about my babies thought it was a girl. We were all convinced. So when the ultrasound tech said boy, I got a lump in my throat.

Even though we pretty much knew, we held off on telling people and decided to wait until our next ultrasound. During that time, I tried to keep my feelings neutral. The truth is it was SO not neutral. I would swing like a pendulum. One minute I'd be totally excited for another boy. Suzy and I would remain the queens. Boys are so fun and wonderful, etc.  The next minute I would be holding back tears thinking about the little girl things that I would never use again. The sweet name that I would never get to call out. The total imbalance in the family (balanced families are weird ya'll...just sayin'). And back and forth it went.

When we went in today I was prepared. So when we saw "it" I knew exactly what I was looking's not like I haven't seen a few in my time. Mike and I chuckled. I've been chuckling ever since. Mother's intuition? It doesn't exist you guys. People who say "I just KNEW I was having ..." and they were right? Guess what? It's a 50/50 shot. Maybe I just missed the intuition boat. Who knows? But this is what I will say. I thought that I really wanted a girl. I thought that was exactly what our family needed to be whole and perfect. I was wrong.

Because here is what I know. I know that God knows who I need and who needs me. I know that my family is perfect because He designed it, not me. I know that when I hold my son it will not be possible for me to love him more. I know because I've been blessed to experience that five times now. And I am so incredibly blessed to be able to experience it one more time.

I watched his little legs kicking on the ultrasound. Yeah, I made those legs. They are perfect and beautiful...just like him. I can't wait to hold him. I can't wait to kiss him. I can't wait to learn from him and maybe I'll get really lucky and I'll get to teach him something too.

I feel blessed far beyond what I deserve. I am so thankful to my Heavenly Father for giving me another chance with motherhood. I am thankful that He trusts me. I am thankful that He knows who I need and who needs me. I am proud to announce that I am expecting ANOTHER baby and that baby is a BOY!

Friday, August 10, 2012