Alright everyone, hang in there with me....crisis blogging is not in anyone's best interest...of that I am completely convinced. That having been said, I'm blogging in a crisis....at least I warned you first!
So, my current conundrum is dealing with the CONSTANT and un-yielding emotions of having three miscarriages in a row. This has become what feels like a never ending ordeal. Sometimes it truly feels like my heart will not ever mend. I am not sure that I will ever feel like me again...perhaps it is unreasonable to expect that I would. No matter what the outcome I suppose I will never be the same person. This exeperience has changed me.
One of my greatest fears is forgettnig. I know it sounds a bit absurd but I am afraid to forget them. Likewise I want to forget them. I want to think about something, ANYTHIGN else. I wish I could wake up and realize that none of it really happened. True as that is it does not diminish my NEED to hang on to what little I have of these little tummy tots who I never got to hold.
So this is my little memorial of sorts. I appologize for being so horridly depressing. I just want it out there. I want my little ones to be a part of this family somehow other than in my head. We loved them, wanted them, STILL want them! I just want to remember. I want to remember. I want to remember.
I want to remember "Tummy Buff"- conceived in July 2007- due April 18th, delivered a little boy at 20 weeks on December 10th 2007
I want to remember "Cakester"- conceived in May 2008- due February 28th, d&c at 7 weeks on July 9th 2008
I want to remember "3PO"- conceived in August 2008- due May 26th, miscarried at 4 weeks and 2 days on September 18th