Monday, September 29, 2008

I'm Afraid I'll Forget

Alright everyone, hang in there with me....crisis blogging is not in anyone's best interest...of that I am completely convinced. That having been said, I'm blogging in a least I warned you first!

So, my current conundrum is dealing with the CONSTANT and un-yielding emotions of having three miscarriages in a row. This has become what feels like a never ending ordeal. Sometimes it truly feels like my heart will not ever mend. I am not sure that I will ever feel like me again...perhaps it is unreasonable to expect that I would. No matter what the outcome I suppose I will never be the same person. This exeperience has changed me.

One of my greatest fears is forgettnig. I know it sounds a bit absurd but I am afraid to forget them. Likewise I want to forget them. I want to think about something, ANYTHIGN else. I wish I could wake up and realize that none of it really happened. True as that is it does not diminish my NEED to hang on to what little I have of these little tummy tots who I never got to hold.

So this is my little memorial of sorts. I appologize for being so horridly depressing. I just want it out there. I want my little ones to be a part of this family somehow other than in my head. We loved them, wanted them, STILL want them! I just want to remember. I want to remember. I want to remember.

I want to remember "Tummy Buff"- conceived in July 2007- due April 18th, delivered a little boy at 20 weeks on December 10th 2007

I want to remember "Cakester"- conceived in May 2008- due February 28th, d&c at 7 weeks on July 9th 2008

I want to remember "3PO"- conceived in August 2008- due May 26th, miscarried at 4 weeks and 2 days on September 18th


Rebecca said...

This is how we heal, Jen, don't feel bad about it. I understand not wanting to forget yet wishing you could. You know about Hallie...she is seven in two days. And I've spent years with the pain of wanting to forget yet freaking if there's a day that goes by if I don't think of her. I know it's not the same, but I'm hoping it'll make you feel a little more...normal maybe. In the end, write as many blogs as you need...cry as often as you have to...but you'll always be Jenny...the friend I love.

Tenille said...

You won't forget my sweet Jenny. The heartache right now is insane... I remember vividly how I felt just 3 and half years ago when I miscarried twice. But you will move on. It takes time to heal and for your heart to recover from these lost spirits. Hang in there and remember that I am always here if you need me.

Dunstan Family said...

I hope this come accross right. When I had my kidney stone and was worried about loosing my little girl at 20 weeks my husband said to me. If it happens we will be very very sad and heartbroken but we will rejoice because she wont have to endure any part of the last days. She wars, the disease she gets to go straitght to heaven while the rest of us will do our best to endure the trecherous times. If she goes we will have that much more of a reason to make it to heaven if only to see her and in her wonder. I love you jen. I will keep you in my prayers hoping that your heart will heal.

Terri said...

You will never forget. Those babies are part of your life even though they were not here long they will always be in your heart. I have never forgotten the one that I lost. I also wrote about that baby in poems. I had forgotten that I wrote stuff down until my mom showed me the poems I had written. I give her copies of all of my stuff. Writing it down helps so much. You will heal and it will take time. I know it hurts so much now but you will get there. Know I am always here for you and that I love you. You are in my prayers.

Kelli @ writing the waves said...

There is no reason to apologize. This is one of the sweetest things I have ever read...really. I love that you call them your "tummy tots" & each baby has a little nickname. It's awesome that you shared this. It's evident how much you love your children and that you find so much joy in being a mother.