"Not Goodbye, See You Later"

I wanted to give a little update on things in the Ramsey Family.

It has been 4 days since our miscarriage. Hearts still mending, tears still flowing, moments of calm and moments of complete hysteria. :)
More than anything else that I have felt, much more than grief, sorrow and pain, is the love of my Heavenly Father and His hand in my life. I love the scripture from the Book of Mormon in 1Nephi 11:16-17 : "And he said unto me, Knowest thou the condescension of God? And I said unto him, I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things."
I likewise do not know all the answers. I don't know why sometimes God delivers us and sometimes allows us to suffer. I don't know what purpose is served through the trials that our little family is going through. But I do know that God loves me. Because I know this, I know that His plan for me is real and that it is just.

On the medical side, our doctor believes that the two miscarriages are not related. She thinks that our chances of conceiving again quickly and carrying to term are excellent. In her words, she is "supremely confident that we will be able to have more children and soon. " While this might not always be the case, Mike and I have both felt strongly that this spirit is still coming to our family. I love the movie John Q with the little boy who will never say goodbye because he "hates goodbyes" so he always says, "see you later." For me, this miscarriage was not a goodbye but a "see you later" (and might I add soon...HOPEFULLY).

The d&c went well. I am thankful for modern medicine. I don't remember anything and have felt very little pain, physically.

We have also been so blessed to have so many wonderful friends and family members. We have felt the love and prayers of many fall upon our shoulders, bringing relief to the burdens and renewing our strength. We love you all and are thankful for all you do for our family.

A Sad Day

We found out today that our little "cakester" is not quite ready to come to our family.

I will be going in either tomorrow or Thursday to have a D&C done.

We are all so heartbroken and sad. There are no words. It is so hard to understand these things. We love our children, we wanted this baby for so long. It had been such a struggle to bring our fourth child and now to face and second loss is so devastating.

We are all doing our best to press on, trying to have faith in the Lord and His plan. Thank you all for your prayers. We will all be okay sometime, just not right now. :*(

Prayer Request

I wanted to ask you all if you would please keep our little family in your prayers.
This morning I started spotting, it has been increasing throughout the day. I also heard from the dr's office reguarding my recent lab work and my beta levels were lower than they should be at this point.
It seems we may be headed for another heartbreak.
This has been such a challenge for our little family, especially for me. The thought of facing another devestating miscarriage is so frightening and my heart truly breaks. We are trying very hard to hope for the best but unfortunately, it's just so hard to not fear, and even expect, the worst.
We would appreciate your prayers. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me, for my family, for our baby. Somehow, I know we will make it.

Mother's Words

I was riding down the road with Mike and the kids and he mentioned to me that he had seen the culprit behind my damaged flower beds....a chipmunk who has been living in one of my azaleas. He was caught red handed.
As soon as Mike told me this I turned to him and said, "did you scold him thoroughly and tell him to stay out of my flowers?!"
He laughed but I was immediately struck at what I had said. It's almost like it came out of my mother's mouth. That is something she would have said and she would have said it just that way too.
I try very hard not to think about what things would be like if she were here right now but I couldn't help but feel a little sad (and maybe just a tiny bit sorry for myself as well) that I couldn't call her up and tell her my chipmunk story. I'll bet she would have said exactly what I did. I am glad that I have some of her in me. I wish I had more.
I think the hardest thing about losing my mom is all the things I never asked her, all the things I didn't take the chance to learn! My mother could do it all. She was so talented in so many areas. There are so, so, SO many things she could have taught me: how to sew, read music, crochet, garden...just to name a few, make Christmas ornaments and peanut brittle.
The main things I didn't learn were how to be a strong, self-less woman and mother. Eleven years battling cancer and I really don't think I ever heard her complain about it.....ever! She got up every day, washed dishes, fed animals, got me off to school, got to work late so that she could drop me off instead of me having to ride the bus, worked all day, waited in the parking lot for me to finish cross country, cheer leading, theatre and then took me home, took care of the house, attended all my games and performances. I'll never forget in my senior year, it was my final performance for a play I was soloing in. She had been in the hospital with a failing liver, knowing, I'm sure, that her time was coming close. She forced them to release her from the hospital so that she could come to see my play. Immediately after the play she had to return to the hospital, hardly able to walk.
I wish I had have absorbed more of that strength. I don't think I'll ever be half the woman she was.
In my weakness, I start to think about the things I hate about her being gone. Mostly, I hate that my children and my husband won't know her in this life. I hate that I can't just have lunch with my mother, go visit for the weekend, call her up when I'm having a bad day, all the things that I miss so, so much!
I am so thankful that I had her as a mother. She was the greatest woman I've ever known. I would like to hope that I've inherited more from her than just silly things to say about chipmunks (or any garden pests). If I could have just one of her many positive traits, I would consider that to be an accomplishment.

My Almost 5 Year Old

So, I'm having Gavin's 5th birthday party today. Technically he won't be five until Monday but still, I am hit with the fact that my BABY is turning 5. It's such a milestone.

I went out to dinner and Kohl's last night with Kelli and we were talking about how hard it is to let our babies go and grow up. We also talked about how quickly time goes by. On our way home we listened to one of my favorite songs called "I Wish I Could" by Collin Raye. We were both a bit on the emotional side and both agreed that this song was definitely blog worthy!

When I woke up this morning I couldn't help but feel just a little heavy hearted. I know you can't keep your kids little forever, and I really shouldn't want to. I want them to grow up and have families so they can experience the same happiness that I feel. Still, I wish I could have just one more do-over sometimes. Like I could start over with Gavin and have him as a newborn baby and a one year old, watch his first steps, re-live the excitement of his first words....just one more time.

"I know I can't.....but I wish I could."


Thought I would share the lyrics to the song, for any of you parents, it's well worth the download. :)

"I Wish I could"- Collin Raye


Looking out my window See you playing in the leaves
It's amazing how a little girl Means all the world to me
When I tell you that I love you I love you more than words can say
Smile, say cheese pretty-please I wanna take your picture
How'd you ever get so big I gotta take your picture
Hold on to the memory before the whole thing slips away

I wish I could save these moments And put 'em in a jar
I wish I could stop the world from turning Keep things just the way they are
I wish I could shelter you from everything Not pure and sweet and good
I know I can't, I know I can't But I wish I could

When you kiss me for no reason It goes straight to my heart
When I feel your arms around me I almost fall apart
It's time for bed you whisper Daddy, we forgot to pray

I wish I could save these moments And put 'em in a jar
I wish I could stop the world from turning Keep things just the way they are
I wish I could shelter you from everything Not pure and sweet and good
I know I can't, I know I can't But I wish I could

And when I watch you sleeping All my worries fade away
A little bit of heaven glows on your angelic face

I wish I could save these moments And put 'em in a jar
I wish I could stop the world from turning Keep things just the way they are
I wish I could shelter you from everything Not pure and sweet and good
I know I can't, I know I can't I know I can't But I wish I could

I was Tagged

Darn you Kelli, I had to figure out cutting and pasting...you are determined to make me a good blogger aren't you.
ABC TAG
A- Attached or single: Attached - are you kidding? have you seen my husband? yummmm!!
B- Best Friend: i have so many friends who i love to pieces. mike is my very best though.
C-Cake or Pie: i am no respecter of desserts, however, given a choice...i would say cake
D-Day: well, i looooove holidays and my kid's birthdays i am reeeeeally looking forward to Aug. 2nd and the release of "breaking dawn"
E- Essential Item: clorox
F-Favorite Color: pink and pink with sparkles
G-Gummi Bears or Worms: nada, they hurt my teeth but once upon a time before children i would have said bears, hands down
H-Home town: callaway, va
Indulgences: all things pertaining to "twilight"
J- January or July?: July! although my anniversary is in january so that's good too but i don't like cold
K-Kids: gavin- crazy monkey head who is almost 5! caeden- sweet handsome nut brain who is 3, suzy-adorable beyond imagination but absolutely impossible who will be 2 at the end of the month.......aaaaaaaaaaand....little ramsey bean due in feb.
L-Life is incomplete without: twilight.....just kidding kelli....my family, the gospel, my friends- one a more superficial level- chocolate, suzy's pink sparkly shoes, books, ice cream, music
M- Marriage Date: january 31st- 2002- don't worry kelli, mike robbed it too
N-Number of Siblings: nada but i have three sister in laws and three brother in laws
O- Oranges or Apples: yummy....both but i guess apples!
P- Phobias or Fears: hahahaha..okay, you asked, um, germs, plagues, vomit, blood, needles, elevators, escalators, stairs, heights in general, quick sand, jelly fish, spiders, snakes and insects, the dark.....i'll stop now
Q-Quote: it's long...."On a very superficial level, let us assume that man lives in two worlds: one of God and nature, and the other of his own making. To live entirely in the first and to be satisfied therein is perfectly adequate. Indeed, it is a kind of paradise and without resort to it in some fashion man is nothing more than a machine of his own design. But whereas to live entirely in the world of man is intolerable, to live entirely without it is in some senses equally so. The world of man may be imperfection built upon imperfection, but that is what makes it so beguiling- all the accidents and missteps."-Swan Lake
R-Reason To Smile: my kids
S- Season: Summer
T- Tag Four: ummm, Katie, Kim, Dollie, Rebecca
U- Unknown fact about me: everyone pretty much knows everything about me because i never stop talking but ummmmm, i actually used to be one rocking horse back rider
V- Very Favorite Store: target
W- Worst Habit: talking too much
X-Rays or Ultrasounds: ultrasounds....well, GOOD ultrasounds i should say
Y-Your favorite food: Chocolate...does that count? yes kelli, i think it does!! :) also currently lime tortilla chips and salsa
Z: Zodiac Sign: gemini
TAG! You're it!

Every once in a while, I think it's vital to a mother's mental health to vent a bit....or a lot, as the case may be.
I am sitting here, it's 7pm. I've been on the go since 6am. I am doing bedtime alone for the third night in a row.
I have a sink full of spontaneously appearing dishes that poofed themselves into existence while my dishwasher, filled to the brim, is purring happily in the background.
I am drying a load of laundry containing the sheets that must go onto Suzy's crib because she soaked them through when her diaper leaked during nap time.
I have filled the sippy cups, brushed the teeth, read scriptures, said prayers, picked up the toys, distributed kisses and hugs and threatened capital punishment if anyone so much as sets one toe out of bed.
I have Lysol wiped counters and toilets and emptied trash cans.
I am alone, which I hate. Mike won't be home until tomorrow. I am exhausted beyond belief and all I want is to crawl into bed while my husband stands guard to keep me safe all night.
Instead I will probably be up waging the battle of the bedtime until at least 9:30 at which point I will claim a half-hearted victory over my opponents who will have finally pooped themselves out enough to sleep. After this point I'll have some alone time to work on the birthday favors for Gavin's party on Saturday and then enjoy a fretful night where I wake up to every small sound in fear that it is actually a burglar, the boogey man, etc.
I am tired and I am lonely and just plain needing some rest.
Venting completed. I feel better.