Just Grin and Keep Walking

Food is good. Toilet paper is also good. Shampoo, paper towels, laundry detergent, hummus (if you don't like hummus there is something wrong with you. My husband doesn't like hummus. He is a strange man, but i digress)-these are all good things. The fact that there exists in this world, a place where you can buy all these things at once is a little slice of Heaven. Actually grocery shopping, however, is akin to a stroll through the seventh circle of hell. I don't say that lightly. It's just the truth. Let me explain...
It's not the five crazy children hanging off the sides of my basket...I brought those. It's not the isles that are way too small, the broken seat belts in the little grocery-cart-car, or the strategically placed candy bars at check out. All those things, I can deal with.
What makes shopping miserable, at least for me, is the people. Now don't hate me just yet. I actually really like people. A lot. I'm a people person. But for goodness sake, sometimes I just want to take a riding crop and walop them on the forehead.
You might actually be one of these people...it's okay, I still love you. You probably just don't know any better. That is why I am here. I have come to educate you. Here are a few of the things you should never say/do to a woman(or man-I am nothing if not supportive of a dad's right to grocery shop)who is shopping with children. You might want to write this down.
#1- Instead of saying "wow, you have your hands full" maybe you should just donate a quarter. If everyone did this, I wouldn't have to pay for my groceries.
#2- Don't ask her questions like "are they all yours?", "do they have the same father?", etc. It's not that the questions are horribly offensive or anything, but for the love of Pete, I am shopping with FIVE CHILDREN, I don't have time for your questions.
#3- If your cart is in the way, move it or lose it. We take up a lot of space and those buggies are hard to navigate when you have two kids swaying back and forth singing "Jingle Bells" and one strapped to your chest and two more pulling on your pant leg. In addition, if you get run into, don't give a dirty look, the first time was an accident but the next time can totally be on purpose. Oh yeah, I mean that!
#4- If one (or more) of the children is screaming, please don't make comments about how "someone isn't happy". We moms have this crazy awesome mom power where we can actually hear if our children are screaming. It's pretty acute. Oh, and don't look at me like I'm burning my child. Lastly, if screaming bothers you, sorry, them's the breaks. Kids are kids and you were one once. I don't mean to be insensitive but seriously, take some advice from Pete and his dragon- "there's room for everyone in this world, if everyone makes some room."
#5- For Pete's sake (man Pete is coming up a lot in this post), PLEASE don't tell a mom who is shopping with her children that she is "brave". I am taking my kids to the grocery store, not Alcatraz Island. I am buying oranges, not diffusing a bomb. I am not "brave" for going to the store-stupid maybe-but not brave.
#6- If you can't say something nice...nevermind, if you can't say something supportive...ya know what, it would be better if you just didn't speak at all. Moms who are shopping with kids just want to get in, get their junk and get out alive and with shoes on. So just smile and do your stuff and leave them alone. I promise, they are doing the best they can.
Well, I feel better.