A few days ago, I was having a
conversation with my eleven-year-old. In their school, they have a behavior
system. Everyone starts on green and they can “clip up” for good behavior or “clip
down” for bad behavior. And every day, without fail, the first thing my
children do when they get in the car after school, is give me the clip recap of
the day. They tell me what color they ended on and then they tell me some story
about so and so who is always clipping up to red, which essentially inducts
them into the Royal Family, seventh in line to the throne I think, and then
they tell me about that one kid who ended on purple. PURPLE! And can they
please take some rotten produce to school tomorrow to hurl at all the other
kids who landed on purple? There will be a public flogging in the square during
recess. And every day (except for three days this school year), my son hangs
his head as he tells me that he stayed on green…again. And every day I tell him
about how he is such a great kid and that no clip chart can tell him his value
and all that other mom-stuff we spout to our kids. It doesn’t help. Every day
he is just as dejected and frustrated because, in spite of his efforts to be
exceptional, he ends each school day the way he started it, as an average kid.
This has all made me start to
really think about how we view the average in our society, particularly with
the element of social media making our lives so public. We post when our
children make the Honor Roll. And we might even post if our child is diagnosed
with a developmental delay or a learning disability because it’s okay for your
child to be unexceptional if there is a medical reason (for the record, I think
it’s incredible that we are breaking the stigma on things like ADHD and Autism
and that we are having open, honest conversations about the way we treat
childhood development, absolutely incredible). We do not, however, typically
post that our child made mostly B’s and C’s on their report card. We share
pictures of the pan-seared tilapia with bruschetta made from our
organic-garden-grown tomatoes, and we will share pictures of the grilled cheese
and baby carrots because #survivalmode #nailedit. What we don’t do is post
pictures of the spaghetti or the oven pizza or the chicken and rice. Average is
not funny or inspiring or special. In our publicly viewed lives we are either
running for two hours a day or we are binging on Netflix, either inspiring the
masses, or making a joke out of the opposite, but we are rarely, if ever,
candid about our very average lives.
Why are we so scared of the
average? Why are we envious of the name-brand hand bag that cost the same as our
groceries for the month or the major steal found at a thrift store but equally
disenchanted by the JC Penney hand bag purchased at 30% off? It’s either
designer, thrifty or...what else is there?
This is especially true when it
comes to our children. It starts when they’re
babies. By show of hands, who has heard the words, “oh he is in the 95% for his
height and the 97% for his weight”, either from your own mouth or the mouth of
another mother? Yep, that’s everyone. Now how many have ever heard, “oh she’s
in the 35% for height and 40% for weight”? Bueller? Bueller? Not too many hands
there. Why? Because even how much your four-month-old weighs is now either
exceptional or not noteworthy. How many thigh rolls your precious baby has been
able to accumulate in his short life is now the measure of whether or not he’s
special or just normal.
And it only gets worse from there. Every
day someone’s child:
·
Walked at eight months
·
Knew their alphabet at one
·
Read “War and Peace” in second grade…and loved
it
·
Was delighted with the kale and beet smoothie
they were fed (Seriously, does this really count as impressive? Yesterday my
kid ate grass and a booger so I’m not sure their palates are really that
refined.)
·
Decided they wanted to donate all their
allowance to help the needy
·
Is gifted
·
Is athletic
·
Is practically perfect in every way
Is it wrong that we
should celebrate these victories, particularly in public forums? No, I don’t
think so. Is it wrong that we should make light of the times when we totally
drop the ball as parents? No, I think that’s okay too. What worries me is that
we are so flippant about everything in between, as if it doesn’t hold any
value. What does it teach our children that we are only celebrating the extremes and not relishing in the small but significant ups and downs or day-to-day living? Our children come home feeling like sub-par people because they stayed
on green all day, forgetting about the jokes they shared with friends at
lunchtime, the awesome thing that happens to plant cells when exposed to
sunlight, the funny voices their library teacher used when she read to them.
Later they feel like failures if they don’t make straight A’s or miss a note in
their piano recital. As adults, we are all winning or failing, but never
passing.
But, in reality,
shouldn’t we be celebrating the average? Isn’t there a great sense of comradery
in sharing the middle ground? Isn’t that where most of us are? Most of us aren’t
going to win the Nobel Peace Prize. Most of our kids won’t either. In fact,
most of our kids will end up being perfectly wonderful, perfectly average human
beings. Most of our kids will be potty-trained by the age of four, able to puke
in a bucket by seven and capable of pushing a lawn mower by eleven and honestly,
ISN’T THAT VICTORY ENOUGH?!?!
I hope I can teach
my children that there is nothing wrong with living the average life. There is
nothing shameful or boring about finishing the race somewhere in the middle. I
hope I can show them that they don’t have to be the Prince or the Pauper to be
important, that just because they aren’t the ones that everyone reads about,
doesn’t mean they aren’t part of the story. More than anything, I want them to
realize that being compassionate, forgiving, generous and genuine, filling
their lives with faith and goodness, choosing love over anger and gratitude
over jealousy, that is what will turn their ordinary lives into extraordinary
ones. That is how the average become the exceptional.
And their mama loves them. I want them to know that most of all.
